drawing by DonBranZ

        My new job is great. I work long hours, but it is great. This last week I think I raked in about 60 hours. Those who know me know I’m not a mean individual, I can have a sharp tongue, but it normally all in good fun.

          Earlier this week while riding with my trainer Dale I was struck with a unexplained rage. There was a reason but not good enough to constitute this much blind anger. It got to the point were I started having horrible thoughts.

          Just to let you into my psyche a bit, when I am joking with friends I will say a lot of violent things. Sometimes very very horrible things but it is something I would do to them and something that is purely a physical or cosmetic violence. That is just a way I bond with some of my closer friends, boys will be boys and all. But if were really angry with someone I wouldn’t worry about threatening them I attach their insecurities. I inflict emotional damage, something I feel will really tear down there confidence. 

          Now on this day should have been a short day since we were going to Beebe and surrounding areas. Long story short the day was taking far longer than it should have due to a lack of knowing where we were going and refusing to use directions. Anyway I was becoming upset about it because I was looking forward to getting home before 8. Then it started to escalate. I began to realize the severity of it when I started having thoughts like, “It must be nice for all of your friends to be dead and have no other responsibilities,” and I could feel my blood pressure rise. I know, I know that is horrible, it’s not like I said it aloud to him. From that point I tried every form of meditation I could think of. I’m not sure why or where something that awful came from but I never want it inside of me again.